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I want to write a diary here!

I want to write a diary here! Just so my future daughter or my grandchild can read it! They’ll know what I’m facing at my age. What do you think?

Why do I write?

I feel completely different these days. I feel that there’s too much things that I don’t know. I think that sometimes things go so complicated in my head and I really don’t know how to make it simple. I don’t even know what I feel or what to feel. Then I read a piece of writing about someone in the same situation as I. And in an instant I said, yes, this is how I feel right now, I totally agree with this writing. And then I know that this is what happened to me, this is the reason why I’m sad. That writing really cleared the mess in my head, and I guess that writing what you feel is OKAY. Whether it’s about your opinion, thought, mistakes, failure, success, anything. Don’t try so hard keeping things for yourself. If it’s hard to tell others, start writing it down. It’s a mind therapy. Take care of your mind because the mind is stronger than the body. But still, the heart is even more powerful than the mind.

A mistake to learn from

I as every single man on earth may go through, I fall in love, and then broken hearted. At first, I do not accept my own feelings. I was not meant to love this man. It’s not the time; it may also not be the right person. I felt a deep guilt, so ashamed of myself why I could fall. I really fall. I felt failure of not keeping my faith in God so tightly. This was one big obstacle.The second obstacle is the fact that he took my love for granted. It was unrequited.

I really couldn’t accept these two. I felt depressed and body sickness started to follow. Every time  I see him or hear news about him, the heartache struck again. And here now, I’m trying to heal myself, writing to straighten my thoughts. I read this post on someone’s tumblr.

It’s absolutely how I feel, and probably somebody’s feeling for me. The powerful words that hit my head was, “You would fight for the man who will treat you like garbage, but you know that this man would do everything for you… I take a distance, without you, just to heal myself.”

Now I can say to myself that it’s not just me that can fall in love so deep that it hurts, and it’s not just me that’s heartbroken. I told my parents, why is the one I like, don’t like me while the one does I don’t like. Dad said, that’s the art of life.

What I can learn is, things are okay. They are okay. I cannot control what I feel. I can’t blame myself for that. It’s not me that’s not good enough for him (I really tried my best). It’s just I wasn’t his favourite colour. Humans are like colours, different but it’s just a matter of taste. It’s not right or wrong. I was not the colour he wanted, and I cannot and I DO NOT TURN MYSELF INTO SOME OTHER COLOUR. Now, I’m in the phase of taking a distance. Time heals, they said.

This is me. This is my past. This is me transparently. I don’t want to fool you, I don’t want to fool myself. TAKE ME AS I AM OR WATCH ME AS I GO. Well, if you still put hope on me, i’ll say that you have me in present and future. Not me in the past.

It’s about time I write my marriage proposal to let my future soul mate know about me. I will let all this writing along with my blog be my representative.

”Wanita-wanita yang keji adalah untuk laki-laki yang keji dan laki-laki yang keji adalah untuk wanita-wanita yang keji (pula), dan wanita-wanita yang baik adalah untuk laki-laki yang baik dan laki-laki yang baik adalah untuk wanita-wanita yang baik (pula)….” An Nur:26

I hope you and I are given the soul mate that we NEED. Amin.

Segala puji bagi Allah yang menutup aib hamba-hambaNya.


4 comments on “I want to write a diary here!

  1. gautamakarisma
    September 15, 2011

    Jadi susan ama siapa nih?
    *balik nanya

  2. krisanti
    September 17, 2011

    kharis balas dendam! haha.. dia manusia masa lalu.

    • gautamakarisma
      September 17, 2011

      haha, susan baru tau ya klo saya pendendam?
      hati2 san ama saya,, hehe..

      • krisanti
        September 18, 2011

        di iya-in lagi kmu pendendam. haha.. iya aku akan hati2. bercanda atuh kharis.

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This entry was posted on August 17, 2011 by in Uncategorized.
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